Researching ASPD for Marry, Kill, Fuck

I mostly used YouTube, watching various interviews to better understand the real people who struggle with emotion and connection.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdPMUX8_8Ms

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXXJHnE2_to

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwYj7rvFaOs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgenGJ1717I

Take Aways-

I’m undiagnosed autistic with other diagnoses that complicate things. (I needed just one diagnosis to get medicated, but I’m too poor/busy for the full test.) I don't have ASPD, but I can understand it a little because autism.

I often struggle to connect and wish “rooms” came in emotional Braille—because I can’t read that shit to save my life. I stare without meaning to, I phrase things badly, and my low social energy makes being my friend difficult and, honestly, annoying.

I can’t bring myself to care what the general population thinks of me. I make people uncomfortable, and I can’t hide much of anything. I don’t compromise or apologize unless I mean it, and I live authentically. Some people don’t have that luxury because their authentic selves are completely socially unacceptable, whereas mine is just frowned upon. That makes me sad for them. It’s not fair.

Until recently, ASPD was considered irredeemable by professionals who are supposed to help people do better. I want to raise awareness because I believe anyone who tries to care deserves to be loved. Taking care of someone for the sake of connection is absolutely a form of real love. It’s just as special as the emotional bonds shared by people who feel those connections instinctively.

It’s fucked up to dismiss people who work so hard for something real just because they can’t feel it. They didn’t choose this! The neurotypical population is naturally empathic, so why don’t we use our innate emotions to understand people who don’t have them? Maybe it would be a little easier for them to connect with us if we treated them like actual people. I’m not saying we should recklessly trust everyone who lies, but not all people who are good at lying choose to do so nefariously. Because we can care, we should.

Why You Should Care-

When assholes don’t have friends, they often become bigger assholes. High-functioning ASPD-spectrum people will act when they see a reason to. If we don’t care about them, they have no reason to manufacture logical empathy. Sure, at the end of the day, their disabilities are their responsibility. But practically speaking, they don’t get the same dopamine hit we do when we’re nice to people. Where is their motivation supposed to come from if not meaningful relationships?

The most interesting thing I learned is that undeveloped emotion doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of morality or even a lack of belief in God. It just means that motivation has to come from outside the person. What I’ve found is that morality for people on the ASPD spectrum often stems from cause and effect rather than emotional gratification or a desire to please. They may also look to their own self-image for motivation. For them, positive outcomes are simply superior to negative ones.

Teenagers with ASPD, for example, are more dangerous than adults because their frontal lobe—the part of the brain responsible for understanding cause and effect—hasn’t fully developed yet. This process typically isn’t complete until a person’s 20s.

I also learned that many people with ASPD can feel basic emotions. They can be happy, sad, angry, nervous, or self-conscious. They can have pleasant experiences with people, care about the well-being of others to an extent, feel attraction, and form meaningful relationships. They generally like being loved.

Love has a positive impact on them because they reciprocate active care. They want good things for the people in their circle and are more likely to put in the effort to learn empathy—which can be done and benefits everyone. They also seek acceptance from peers, though their motivations for secondary and tertiary relationships tend to be more self-serving.

(This applies more to high-functioning individuals. Low-functioning ASPD individuals generally don’t want help and don’t care if the world is worse off because of their actions.)

Cognitive Empathy and Logical Love-

Cognitive empathy and logical love occur when someone uses logic to manually understand another person’s experiences or to value a relationship by actively working on it, even without emotional reinforcement. For example, if I had an ASPD friend and told them my dog died, they’d likely feel sad that I’m sad. While they may not feel the emotional weight of losing something important, they can cognitively recognize the impact it has on me. This understanding informs their social interactions.

They genuinely want the people they care about to feel better and don’t usually mind offering low-cost help, such as expressing condolences. Much like with neurotypical people, the effort they’re willing to expend increases with the closeness of the relationship. While they may not feel good or bad about most things, they understand concepts like value, loss, and transaction.

Helping someone adds value to their sense of self, while harming someone detracts from it. If you have positive feelings toward a person with ASPD, they seem to perceive that as valuable, even if they can’t fully reciprocate the feeling. There is a pleasantness and safety in being liked.

Similarly, if you’re good to them, they often want to be good to you in return because it feels fair. If you’re useful or a positive presence in their life, they’ll see you as a valuable connection and work to maintain the relationship in whatever way is necessary. Ultimately, they seek contentment and peace. Friends provide comfort and support during life’s storms.

Negative emotions often impact them more intensely than positive ones. This can lead to harmful or risky behaviors during times of stress, as they turn to pain or adrenaline for stimulation—feelings they understand well.

I’ve had some experience using cognitive understanding to replace emotion myself. Happiness doesn’t always come naturally to me, so I’ve learned to substitute it with cognitive gratitude and acceptance. I also benefit from using empathy to feel the joy of those around me secondarily in group settings. People with ASPD don’t have that luxury, and it must really suck.

Why I Care-

My disconnected personality allows me to have a flexible perspective and take blunt honesty on the chin. As a result, I’m highly empathetic—to the point that it’s a problem sometimes. I want to use that empathy to help people who struggle like I do.

I may not understand everything through my own experience, but I know what being alone does to people. I know what it’s like to unintentionally hurt loved ones or scare people away. I know that not having friends sucks. If I’m going to ask someone to generate empathy for me, I sure as hell better try just as hard to understand them. Its only fair.